chemicalsorrows

chemicalsorrows @ 2008-07-14T15:16:00

2008-07-14T14:17:47Z

“Yes. I love you too. So much. And I miss you…Okay. See you soon…I know, I can’t wait either…bye baby.” I hear the click of the phone as he hangs up, and I hear the sigh that escapes his perfect lips. I almost hear the smile that cracks across his face…I’ve seen it a hundred times.

I wonder if he can hear my heart breaking. I wonder if he can hear the tension building inside, threatening to choke me. I push my head hard into the wall of my bunk, trying to force out the thoughts that flow inside, breaking down the walls of my sanity as they go.

Smile though your heart is aching…

My fingers shake against the pencil as I drag it across the thick paper. I don’t even know what I’m drawing. But I need the distraction. I need to do something to stop the ache in my chest. I will not cry. I will not.

Smile even though it’s breaking…

“Hey,”

My breath hitches and I can’t speak. My eyes dart up to him but plunge back to my paper. He is so devastatingly beautiful. And I can’t have him.

“Are you feeling okay?”

A low, silky drawl that has my stomach in knots forces my neck into action and I nod stiffly, gaze almost burning a hole in my confused and dire drawings.

“Are you sure?”

I can’t say anything. It’s so hard to lie to him.

“You’ve been kinda…quiet.”

I shrug and look at him again. The effort of it makes me hurt all over.

“I’m just tired.”

“We can get coffee if you want?”

Please stop it. Go away.

“No, it’s okay. I just want to be alone. Sorry.”

The look on his face almost brings tears to my eyes. He turns and leaves. I don’t watch him go.

When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by…

He is pure energy. Chaos trapped in a form of such beauty that I contemplate his descent is that of some kind of higher being. His muscles are tight under his perfect skin, and his laugh is plague-like in its infectiousness. His hair is soft and dark, and his lips are lush and pale pink, framed by an angular jaw. He is faultless. The epitome of perfection. When he talks about her his ochre eyes seem even deeper than usual, and his voice goes so soft that I can hardly hear it. I feel a spasm of misery quake through my body, burning the nerves, curdling the blood. Although I know she makes him happy, I could make him happier.

But it will never happen. He loves her too much.

He’s on the phone again and I wrap my arms around myself. Try to keep out the hurting that I know will come. The suffocating jealousy, the agonizing injustice of it all. My fingernails push gradually into my forearms, cutting slowly through the thin layers of skin. They’re talking about the wedding. I try to identify the exact point when blood will start to flow under my fingers. Yes. I need the distraction.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow…

I have an idea. I know it’s wrong but I don’t care. Nothing matters but him. I don’t care if it’s sick. I don’t fucking care if it’s dirty. This is how it has to be because I cannot go on feeling the way I do. We have a show tomorrow. I don’t think I can face all those people. Not again.

Smile and maybe tomorrow…

I hear him laugh. A beautiful sound that fills my stomach with sharp pains. I look up from the book I am pretending to read, and study his figure. I can’t concentrate on anything but him. The curve of his back, masked by the tight-fitting red shirt he wears, and the slender arc of the muscles in his arms. It’s as though he’s been carved from marble. He’s explaining to someone about where they’re going for the honeymoon. I don’t notice who it is. All I can feel is the thin knife of envy slipping viciously between my ribs and stabbing my heart.

You’ll see the sun come shining through for you…

I don’t remember much about the show. I am so intoxicated I can barely stand, never mind perform. I fall into my bunk and close my eyes, pushing away the tears that threaten to leak down my cheeks for the third time tonight.

Light up your face with gladness…

I wake up in the middle of the night to scuffling sounds at the edge of my bunk. Beer and other various liquors swill in my stomach and bile climbs up my raw throat. But I’m not sick. I’m getting good at controlling myself.

Save for when it comes to him…

I pull back the curtain and he is standing there in front of me, in all his crushing glory. His hair is messed up and his lips are red in the most delicious way, from where he has been chewing on them for hours. I force words from my mouth.

“W-what’s wrong?”

A tear falls slowly from his thick eyelashes and he suppresses a sob. I feel my heart fracture.

“She’s dead.” He whispers.

Hide every trace of sadness…

He takes a step towards me and searches my face, looking for acceptance, his hazel eyes ever so beautifully glassy in the half-light. Does he think I can refuse?

I hold out a hand and he takes it. Moving over in my bunk, I give him room to lie beside me. I close the curtain as he climbs in and folds his beautiful body around mine. His right hand grips my shoulder and he’s almost lying across me. I can feel his breath on my neck, hot and wet. I feel his tears too, flowing softly over my skin.

“It’ll be okay…” I whisper. I can’t fight the raging fire that burns beneath my words so I don’t say anything else for a while. I just let him cry, awful heart-wrenching sobs that are more half-screams than anything else, which rip apart my insides…but also give me hope.

Although a tear may be ever so near…

“Sh-she was…h-hit by a drunk-driver…on her w-way home…she was buying her wedding d-dress…” he sobs, clinging on to me as if he fears he will slip away.

That’s the time you must keep on trying…

I breathe in the smoky-sweaty scent of his hair and skin, and I wrap my arms around him, finally feeling as though he is mine. Mine to protect and to love. Mine to claim and own.

Smile, what’s the use of crying?

“Please,” he begs quietly. “Please. I just need…” he shifts against me and presses his lips to my throat. “Please just love me.”

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile…

I quell the gut-wrenching guilt and regret that has my insides shattered, and I close my eyes.

If you just smile…

The words find their way softly past my lips.

That’s the time you must keep on trying…
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile…
If you just smile…

Ready To Fall, two

2007-07-12T20:39:03Z

“Sorry…I forgot to cook. You can find something can’t you?” my mother slurred drunkenly from her favourite armchair. “Yeah…” I sighed and turned around, heading through the gloomy hall and into the tiny, poor excuse for a kitchen. I walked up to the cupboard and threw open the doors with an angry sqeak of the hinges, peering into its grimy, forgotten depths.

Not that I expected there to be anything even half edible in there anyway…

I heard a car pull up outside the house and my stomach seemed to sink inside me. Dad was home. I heard him crunch across the gravel outsde and then fumble with the lock and handle of our front door, cursing as he dropped his keys with a clatter. I continued to look blankly into the cupboard, not really remembering why I had opened it. I heard him throw himself through the door, and the slam it behind him. He stumbled through the hallway and into the living room, where he proceeded to have a go at mum for the lock on the front door, and how she should change it before we all get locked out.

"Or locked in," I muttered darkly, throwing malicious looks into the cupboard, and absentmindedly pushing packs of old pasta into the corners in the search for something at all to eat. I gave up and shut the doors, turning to leave and go upstairs to my room. I padded through the hallway and up the stairs without acknowledgement. My drunken father seemed to have temporarily forgotten he had a sixteen year old daughter, but that was how I liked it. I reached my door and entered my room, collapsing down on the bed and curling myself up into ball. I sighed, suddenly thinking about the boy from earlier, remembering his face, and kind voice. I wanted to see him again…I thought maybe I could get to know him …

He had a kind of presence, which I could feel as if he were still there, holding my hand gently in his… I wriggled my fingers trying to shake off the sensation of his skin on mine. I shouldn’t feel like this. I wasn’t meant to feel so…contented…I shut my eyes and fell asleep quickly without even pulling the covers over myself. I slept all through the night without interruption, and awoke seven hours later to the bright sunlight streaming in through the open curtains, leaving blunt trails of light across the thin carpet of my room.

***

I blinked furiously, blinded by the brightness. My eyes watered and I sat, rubbing my face in my hands groggily. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and got up, stumbling still half blind with sleep, into the bathroom. I showered and put and some make up on. It was a Saturday, so I intended to go to the cliffs and spend my day there, drawing, or maybe just sitting, enjoying the peace and solitude.

I thumped down the stairs, feeling pathetic and no more refreshed from my shower, and the front room door flew open as I reached the bottom stair. It was dad and he still looked drunk from last night.

“What the hell are you doing?” he snapped. I looked blankly at him, and moved to put on my shoes, but he stuck an arm out in front of me, blocking my way, and staring at me with bloodshot eyes. I tutted and sighed exasperatedly. “I was walking down the stairs. Can I go now?” I asked,

"Why were you being so damn loud?” he snarled, not moving his arm. “I wasn’t. You must’ve imagined it” I retorted nastily, ducking quickly under his arm, towards the door. He followed and continued to stare madly at me as I put my shoes on. “Where are you going now? If I find out you’re going to those damn cliffs again, I'll tell your mother!” he threatened. I looked at him in mock terror. “Oh no, please not mum!” I whimpered falsely at him, laying my hand on the door handle. “What’s she going to do? Hit me with her whiskey bottle?” I smiled at my own miserable joke and yanked the door open. He suddenly laid a heavy hand on my shoulder and gripped it tightly, digging his fingers into the skin. I winced. “She may do, but I’ll do worse. Much worse.” He growled. I wrenched free of him and pulled my self out of the door, slamming it in his face.

I cursed him with all the obscenities my mind could conjour on my way to the cliffs. I was absolutely fuming. I scuffed my feet along the worn tarmac, bunching my fists into tight knots, gritting my teeth together. The wind blew gently and I pushed my wandering hair out of my eyes. I could smell the saltiness of freedom and hear the seabirds calling to each other as they dipped and weaved in the cool morning air. I felt my anger seep slowly away, leaving me with the peaceful feeling of utter seclusion. I reached my destination and began the slow descent down the grassy hill to the patch of ground below, isolated and hidden from view. My feet slipped in my converses and my knees ached with the downhill struggle. My breathing was ragged by the time I got there, and I slumped down in the grass, laying flat, waiting for the harsh rising and falling of my chest to subside.

I’d stop it completely if I could,

I thought downheartedly. I closed my eyes and my thoughts wandered peacefully through my head, quiet, like the waves hundreds of feet below. I felt the sun on my face, warming my skin lightly. The breeze seemed to carry me far away, leaving my troubles behind, making them seem tiny, like grains of sand. Before I knew it, I was asleep, dreaming.

I heard sharp breaths behind me, in the distance. My veil of unconsciousness lifted slightly as they got louder. I could now hear slipping, thundering footsteps. I opened my eyes to try and identify where the sound was coming from and suddenly I heard a voice call out, “Oh shit! Hey, watch out!”

Ready To Fall

2007-07-10T20:30:44Z

I stared out into the ocean, listening to the somehow peaceful crashing of waves hundreds of feet below me. The salty breeze blew gently on my face, making stands of hair tickle against my cheeks. I sighed and stared up into the dark sky, my eyes stinging with the hint of tears. I blinked them forcefully away and dug my fingers gently down into the grassy ground beneath me. My feet brushed the edge of the cliff, and I curled my bare toes around the crumbling, rocky edges, feeling my weight tip teasingly forwards. I looked downwards at the sharp, unforgiving rocks beneath me, sticking out like tombstones in a watery graveyard.

If I wasn’t so afraid of falling, I could jump,

I thought to myself sadly, cursing my damn inhibitions. My toes pushed little pieces of rock away, making them tumble down into the sea below. I wished I could follow... Tears suddenly rushed to my eyes, making my vision blur. My face cracked and I sobbed loudly into my knees, wrapping my arms tightly around them and hugging them closer to my chest which heaved painfully with each strangled breath I took. Why was this happening to me? Why did fate get to treat me like this? I looked up, back into the ocean and let the tears fall freely down my cheeks, feeling them hit my thighs and soak slowly into my jeans. I wiped my face roughly with my sleeve and sniffed, hating myself for breaking down again. Crying was doing no damn good at all. I’d have to take much more serious action if I wanted my troubles to end. I took a few deep breaths and shuffled backwards standing up slowly, and steadying myself. I peered over the edge and felt fear ignite inside me, like a hot flame, washing through me and taking control of my senses. I closed my eyes and stood, focusing my thoughts. The strong breeze swayed me slightly and I bunched my fists up, digging my nails into my palms.

Get a damn grip,

I thought angrily to myself. I edged blindly closer, shuffling my feet through the rough grass, ready to jump.

So this was it? I breathed deeply and decisively in through my nose and nodded, in finality. I felt my weight tip forwards and I extended my left foot out into the cold air, feeling my balance seep away. My right calf muscle tensed, and I was ready to step straight of the cliff.

“..Hello?” a small voice said from behind me.

I almost screamed in fright, and recoiled my foot quickly, stepping backwards and turning to see a guy standing there, looking curiously at me. My cheeks flushed and I looked down.

“Sorry…I though it was just me who came here...” he said, looking intently at me. I looked shyly up at him.

“Oh…” I mumbled, stepping further away from the cliff edge.

“Are you okay? It’s pretty dangerous up there” he asked, coming a bit closer to me and extending his hand. I took it reluctantly and walked a few more paces away from the edge, feeling his fingers close gently around mine.

“I'm fine. Thanks…” I said quietly. I felt something odd in my chest, something that wasn’t the usual dull ache…He nodded slightly, but looked unconvinced. He had longish black hair that hung straight almost touching his shoulders; a kind face graced with gentle features and softly defined cheekbones. He looked unassumingly at me with light brown eyes that emitted the most hypnotising stare I had ever seen. He smelled sweetly of cologne and slightly of cigarettes. I dropped his hand and looked down again.

“I…I have to go…” I said quietly, turning to leave. I grabbed my discarded shoes from the ground and walked a few paces past him up the steep grassy bank, towards the road.

“I’ll see you around?” I heard him call after me. I looked round quickly. He stood facing me, hazel eyes locked on mine.

“Maybe…I don’t know.” I said. I didn’t stay to see his reaction, but turned again and jogged up the rest of the hill, just wanting to be alone. I reached the deserted road and flopped down on the grassy verge to put my shoes back on. As I pulled my converses roughly over my heels, I couldn’t shake the guy’s face from my mind. I had never seen him before, but it meant something to me that he had come to the cliffs. He had saved my life, and would never even know…

I gathered myself and stood up, walking slowly down the road towards home. It wouldn’t take long until I was back outside my front door, but I wanted to hold it off for as long as I could. As my tired feet slapped the worn down tarmac, and the sea air whipped around me, I fought tears for what seemed like the hundredth time already today.